A lot of what gets called “respect” from authority figures can actually be compliance through fear or tradition.
But real respect — the kind that serves a backbone for relationships and communities — is an entirely different thing.
And in many ways, that begins with how one sees themself; self-respect shapes the baseline and reflects outward in the ways people treat others.
Yet knowing how to extend respect to others is rarely straightforward, especially when the definition of respect itself can be blurry. Many young people grow up navigating conflicting definitions.
From a traditional hierarchical standpoint, young people respect their elders and authority figures unconditionally, regardless of whether that same level of treatment is returned.
While they’re taught that respect must be earned, it can seem as though adults never had to earn it at all, receiving it automatically simply by the virtue of being older.
There’s a widespread sense that younger generations show less respect towards their elders these days. And it’s true that young people tend to ask questions and challenge the structures and status quo they were born into, particularly when they find themselves at the bottom of the social ladder.
Those questions typically come from a place of genuine curiosity, but at the same time, they can quickly tip into perceived disrespect.
“When you’re questioning authority, it’s respectful if it’s coming from a place rooted in learning,” Director of Inclusion, Diversity and Human Resources Lorre Allen said. “I think it’s disrespectful if you’re trying to undermine the situation or that person. And that’s the difference between the two.”
Allen believes most people, despite their differences, are generally working towards the same goals — it’s just the methodology that divides them.
When that goes unacknowledged, disconnect follows, and what was meant to be a productive exchange turns into an accusation or a fracture in the community.
The same words carrying the same message and even the same intent, can land entirely differently depending on the person and the small social cues that accumulate throughout the message.
“It’s about three things in my opinion — intent, tone and timing,” Allen said. “That’s why I say respect evolves as you grow and mature and have more experiences. These are things that you recognize and then you pivot and change how you deliver the same message.”
And from an authority figure’s standpoint, it’s equally important to consider the other person’s point of view.
Moving communities forward requires both sides to approach issues collaboratively as partners rather than opponents.
In the heat of the moment, that’s easier said than done.
People say things they don’t mean, and certain words will always leave a permanent mark, even after countless apologies.
Some words can simply never be taken back.
“Sometimes it’s a byproduct of a knee jerk reaction to something, and they just do something that they wish they may have handled in a different way,” Victor F. White Master Teaching Chair in English GayMarie Vaughan said.
For this reason, timing and restraint can be invaluable tools for calming intense situations.
“You don’t always have to respond right then and there,” Allen said. “We can always come back right the next day to the person, and you’re less likely to have a tone that is disrespectful if we just take the time and step back a little before we respond.”
While there are actions that are clear signs of disrespect, part of what makes respect so difficult to navigate is that the line between honest challenge and outright disrespect shifts from person to person, day to day, situation to situation.
“The line is different for each person, and that seems very vague,” Vaughan said. “The worst answer that a kid could ever get is that it’s different for everybody, because then this gray space got even grayer.”
And many times, it becomes difficult to directly question an authority figure face-to-face due to this uncertainty, leading towards people talking behind someone’s back or simply keeping negative thoughts to themselves entirely, neither of which resolves anything.
“In the world at large, I think not being able to question authority could lead into some really dangerous places and spaces for people,” Vaughan said.
Ultimately, Allen and Vaughan both suggest that clarity from both parties is essential to fostering mutual respect. When expectations and boundaries are made explicit rather than assumed, the guesswork around tone, intent and timing diminishes.
Then, the gray space surrounding respect becomes at least a little easier to navigate.
“Respect is earned, and it boils down to, at the end of the day, how we treat people,” Allen said. “To go back to when we were all little, when we treat people the way we want to be treated.”
